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So as leaders

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we all want to have respect.

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But respect can't be demanded.

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We have to earn respect,

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through the things that we do,

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or actions that we take.

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Like those kinds of things.

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I think a really interesting example

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was a couple of years ago,

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I worked in Shanghai for a while,

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and I was in a meeting with a sales director,

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the general manager,

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marketing director,

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and

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the sales director,

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she had a bit of a chip

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on her shoulder.

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She was kind of one of those people

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who thought she could run the company

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by herself.

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And she walked into this meeting

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within a few minutes she'd already

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sort of pushed her emotions

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onto the marketing director.

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Eventually the marketing director

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gets a little fired up.

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So the sales director's fired up,

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the marketing director's fired up.

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The GM get's fired up.

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Just little, little things

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the way they acted,

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the way they said a few things.

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The terse responses that they had.

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Eventually the meeting sort of erupted

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into chaos.

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It finally ended when

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the sales director,

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she just, she didn't get the respect

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she wanted,

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stormed out of the room.

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Stormed out the meeting room,

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back to her office.

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Completely undermining

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what she was trying to accomplish,

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which was to get the respect that she

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thought she deserved.

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Another great example,

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that I think is,

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I'm a coach,

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and I was working with one of my coachees

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out in Xi'an.

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She told me this story about another meeting

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where the,

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I think it was the regional director,

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and she was pitching this idea

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for a new project to her team.

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Mainly subordinates,

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maybe a couple of peers in the room.

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Meeting goes okay, but

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they didn't really agree with her project.

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Maybe not enough thought on her part,

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maybe she wasn't as persuasive

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as she could have been.

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Anyway, the meeting ends,

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the director walks back to her office.

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Maybe five minutes later,

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so everyone's settled down

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back at their desk,

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five minutes later,

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the manager walks in

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she's got tears in her eyes,

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and she starts screaming at the team.

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"I can't believe how you don't respect me!"

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"I deserve more!"

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"You never support any of my projects!"

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And she's just lost it.

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Completely off the wall.

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She storms off back to her office,

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to continue to cry.

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And everyone is shell shocked.

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The whole staff is just,

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"What in the heck just happened?!"

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So as managers, or as leaders,

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what we need to do is,

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we need to focus on

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self-management.

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This is part of EQ,

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this is what Daniel Goldman was talking about

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in his books.

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Talking about self-management,

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regulating your emotions,

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making sure that you are calm,

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and cool and collected.

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That you're a thermostat for your team.

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That you regulate your emotions,

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so they can trust you.

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They know that you're not going to go

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nuts when you,

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like in the example that I gave earlier,

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of the two ladies that

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that kind of lost their cool,

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I'm pretty sure one of the ladies

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lost her job because of the

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her inability to be cool, calm and

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collected, and to

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keep her team's respect.

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So again, respect cannot be demanded.

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It's got to be earned.

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And one of the ways that we can do that

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is by managing our emotions.

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Making sure that we keep our cool under fire.